Well, I've been thinking of writing a new post for the past couple of days but decided against it.
Just to see whether I can get more of a hold on what I am actually thinking and why, and how to describe it.
However, analysing can only go so far... so here are my thoughts for the day...
My thoughts are pretty much all over the place and all of these feelings are wanting attention.
The first thing is: I suddenly realize how ruthless time is. Whether I want it or not THE day is coming. I can't stop the time, I can't slow it down and I can't keep hold of it
This is something that hit me like a brick wall 2 days ago.
You know...I have known for months this was going to happen but it always seemed far enough away...and now suddenly... it's almost here!
I know that I will miss my girl, that I will miss touching her, holding her, cuddling her and I want to keep hold of the memories and the feelings that we're having right now. When I hold her...
But I know this is not possible.
On the other hand I'm looking forward to doing all the fun stuff that I have planned, of stretching my own being and learning about myself. And I know I'm strong and I can do it and that she won't have to worry.
But...at certain times I feel sheer panic in my body a feeling of doom...
I guess all of this is part of it. Part of the learning experience. I KNOW I'm strong enough, I KNOW I'm going to have fun and in actual fact I KNOW that a month is gone before you know it...
To be continued!
Tuesday 1 September 2009
Thursday 27 August 2009
Feelings and thoughts... less than 2 weeks to go
It's been a while again since I used this blog, but I decided that it's going to serve a purpose again.
As some of you may know... my girl Angela is going to leave for Thailand in less then 2 weeks together with a friend of us. Our friend is going there for surgery and Angela decided to help a friend in need.
Which means for me that for a whole month she will be about halfway around the world compared to where I am.
Now as you might imagine my feelings about this were quite all over the place although they have settled down. I will probably touch upon this in later blogs as I'm quite sure that I want to get it out from time to time.
However, for now I just want to tell you how I'm coping with all of this at this moment in time. Knowing time flies and that, before I know it... these last days are gone.
How do I do that? It's quite simple and then again it isn't... I'm trying to live in the moment. To experience moments together as deep as I possibly can. So not fleetingly do something and almost forgetting it WHILE you are doing it.
I always sit down with Angela after showering in the morning. She is then still snoozing in bed and I watch the news headlines.
The past week or so I make a note to myself to do this MINDFULLY (ie to really be in the moment). As I want to be able to conjure up that image when she is so far away.
How cuddly and warm she is, how she smells and how she looks. And how my hand gets warmed up when it's touching her skin and and and...
Also...I notice now that when you do that, when you try to be mindful.. sure time still flies but it seems to sometimes almost stand still for one fleeting moment.
This I also had when we were shopping last Saturday. I made sure to tell myself to be in the moment and enjoy it. The simple things/standard things...doing it together. Walking hand in hand in the sunshine outside, going to look for food and just enjoy each other company.
I'll be ok, I'm making the memories right now and loving it. I'm planning for tomorrow but not thinking about it too much as it also comes when you don't worry about it or think about it...
To be continued on this journey of self discovery... :)
As some of you may know... my girl Angela is going to leave for Thailand in less then 2 weeks together with a friend of us. Our friend is going there for surgery and Angela decided to help a friend in need.
Which means for me that for a whole month she will be about halfway around the world compared to where I am.
Now as you might imagine my feelings about this were quite all over the place although they have settled down. I will probably touch upon this in later blogs as I'm quite sure that I want to get it out from time to time.
However, for now I just want to tell you how I'm coping with all of this at this moment in time. Knowing time flies and that, before I know it... these last days are gone.
How do I do that? It's quite simple and then again it isn't... I'm trying to live in the moment. To experience moments together as deep as I possibly can. So not fleetingly do something and almost forgetting it WHILE you are doing it.
I always sit down with Angela after showering in the morning. She is then still snoozing in bed and I watch the news headlines.
The past week or so I make a note to myself to do this MINDFULLY (ie to really be in the moment). As I want to be able to conjure up that image when she is so far away.
How cuddly and warm she is, how she smells and how she looks. And how my hand gets warmed up when it's touching her skin and and and...
Also...I notice now that when you do that, when you try to be mindful.. sure time still flies but it seems to sometimes almost stand still for one fleeting moment.
This I also had when we were shopping last Saturday. I made sure to tell myself to be in the moment and enjoy it. The simple things/standard things...doing it together. Walking hand in hand in the sunshine outside, going to look for food and just enjoy each other company.
I'll be ok, I'm making the memories right now and loving it. I'm planning for tomorrow but not thinking about it too much as it also comes when you don't worry about it or think about it...
To be continued on this journey of self discovery... :)
Monday 27 April 2009
Sunday 26 April 2009
Rose
Taken in our own garden.
There's just something about roses that is beautiful :)
Thursday 19 March 2009
Tuesday 17 March 2009
Sunbathing bird :)
Sunbathing...
Don't you just want to do the same when you see this?
Although I think that it lies a bit hard...
Monday 16 March 2009
Sunday 15 March 2009
Swan mayhem
This picture was taken in Newbury, UK at the Wharf.
Swans are so gracious!
Friday 13 March 2009
Thursday 12 March 2009
On the road
Driving back from Somerset to Berkshire, both UK.
And yes, it was quite nice weather... I couldn't resist taking this picture!
Tuesday 24 February 2009
Amazing sun breaking through clouds
It's an amazing view... nature so beautiful!
Sunday 22 February 2009
What to do? A friend with cervical cancer.
This is going to be a pretty 'heavy' post, I think so you've been warned... ;)
It is about friendship and about a pretty tough subject in life, that destroys too many lives in the world we live in: cancer.
I would like to have your input, opinion and wise words on this one.
My best friend has been diagnosed with cervical cancer.
Now, this is a big blow as we had both decided that after a lot of struggles and negativity... this would become HER year.
However, it wasn't to be... just before the end of 2008 she got the results of her smear test (that she had delayed for quite some time) and the test results showed that it wasn't good. There were cells there that shouldn't be there... and a second test as to what kind of cells were not even necessary.
The verdict was: not good! Now they just needed to figure out how not good...
By now we are almost 3 months down the line and the following has happened:
- she had tissue removed which has been looked at in the lab (5 weeks ago)
- not all cells have been removed... leaving some inside her body to still do damage
- the cells are definitely benign, are deeper in the tissue than they originally thought and are more aggressive than originally predicted
I hear you ask: then why is she 3 months down the line and nothing else has happened yet, no treatment started, no surgery done?
Well, she is 30+ and has a child wish, has had one for ages and ages.
This she has told the doctors too. So obviously (I guess) they are taking this into account.
They have told her twice now that if she would have been older or wouldn't have had a child wish they would have removed her womb already.
However, because circumstances are different they are looking at what else could be done next to the big one...
On the 3th of March she will hear from a team of experts in the hospital that she has been referred to whether there are any other options then taking out her womb. Basically killing off her wish to have a child of her own.
I am so afraid that the doctors because of the child wish take too much of a risk. From having tissue in a lab you can't fully see how the cells that are still in the body react!
Is it safe for them to have her wait another 2 weeks before she hears what they will/can do?
Maybe with one person it's a risk that turns out well, but maybe with another...not so well.
She obviously keeps hope... if the doctors wouldn't trust it they would just tell her that she didn't have an option anymore, right?
The fact that they don't say this...means it's not THAT bad... right?
But I'm not sure... I'm getting more and more worried.
Mostly because she's my best friend and I don't want to loose her...
Also because now in the UK there's the high profile story of a celebrity, having terminal cervical cancer.
She was diagnosed with the disease in August 2008 and after chemotherapy, radiotherapy and surgery she has heard on Friday the 13th of February that it is terminal.
The doctors have only given her a couple of months to live.
Leaving her 2 young children without a mum...
Now I know that I shouldn't be thinking along those lines and I should stay positive. But this is a story I just can't ignore as it is everywhere I go.
And I can't get the fact out of my head that this cancer is still inside my friend's body while the doctors are seeing what they can do...
However, I don't want to give her more worries than she already has and I can imagine this is something that is playing around in her mind as well...
So... do I tell her my concerns? And if so...to what extend?
I'm busy writing a letter to her (yes, pen and paper, the old way) telling her how much she and our friendship means to me... How much of my concerns should I put in??
Any advice is very much appreciated!
It is about friendship and about a pretty tough subject in life, that destroys too many lives in the world we live in: cancer.
I would like to have your input, opinion and wise words on this one.
My best friend has been diagnosed with cervical cancer.
Now, this is a big blow as we had both decided that after a lot of struggles and negativity... this would become HER year.
However, it wasn't to be... just before the end of 2008 she got the results of her smear test (that she had delayed for quite some time) and the test results showed that it wasn't good. There were cells there that shouldn't be there... and a second test as to what kind of cells were not even necessary.
The verdict was: not good! Now they just needed to figure out how not good...
By now we are almost 3 months down the line and the following has happened:
- she had tissue removed which has been looked at in the lab (5 weeks ago)
- not all cells have been removed... leaving some inside her body to still do damage
- the cells are definitely benign, are deeper in the tissue than they originally thought and are more aggressive than originally predicted
I hear you ask: then why is she 3 months down the line and nothing else has happened yet, no treatment started, no surgery done?
Well, she is 30+ and has a child wish, has had one for ages and ages.
This she has told the doctors too. So obviously (I guess) they are taking this into account.
They have told her twice now that if she would have been older or wouldn't have had a child wish they would have removed her womb already.
However, because circumstances are different they are looking at what else could be done next to the big one...
On the 3th of March she will hear from a team of experts in the hospital that she has been referred to whether there are any other options then taking out her womb. Basically killing off her wish to have a child of her own.
I am so afraid that the doctors because of the child wish take too much of a risk. From having tissue in a lab you can't fully see how the cells that are still in the body react!
Is it safe for them to have her wait another 2 weeks before she hears what they will/can do?
Maybe with one person it's a risk that turns out well, but maybe with another...not so well.
She obviously keeps hope... if the doctors wouldn't trust it they would just tell her that she didn't have an option anymore, right?
The fact that they don't say this...means it's not THAT bad... right?
But I'm not sure... I'm getting more and more worried.
Mostly because she's my best friend and I don't want to loose her...
Also because now in the UK there's the high profile story of a celebrity, having terminal cervical cancer.
She was diagnosed with the disease in August 2008 and after chemotherapy, radiotherapy and surgery she has heard on Friday the 13th of February that it is terminal.
The doctors have only given her a couple of months to live.
Leaving her 2 young children without a mum...
Now I know that I shouldn't be thinking along those lines and I should stay positive. But this is a story I just can't ignore as it is everywhere I go.
And I can't get the fact out of my head that this cancer is still inside my friend's body while the doctors are seeing what they can do...
However, I don't want to give her more worries than she already has and I can imagine this is something that is playing around in her mind as well...
So... do I tell her my concerns? And if so...to what extend?
I'm busy writing a letter to her (yes, pen and paper, the old way) telling her how much she and our friendship means to me... How much of my concerns should I put in??
Any advice is very much appreciated!
Reflection
Reflection in a wood on a nice sunny day...
Nature just being beautiful without exception.
Sunday 15 February 2009
Important
Hi everyone,
I'll be back with photos hopefully in not too long. My laptop needs a complete reinstall and this might take a while. As it's just easier for me to upload photos with my own laptop you will have to wait a bit for new pictures.
However, in the mean time something just as important!
The Story of Stuff
Please watch this video. It talks about how messed up our consumer society is and how it messes up our lives and our planet.
But also on the same website it gives ideas of small changes you can make.
Even though I think we all know that this is what's happening it is interesting to see it in the very clear light it gets presented here...
Please watch, learn and stop being part of most of this!
Thanks
I'll be back with photos hopefully in not too long. My laptop needs a complete reinstall and this might take a while. As it's just easier for me to upload photos with my own laptop you will have to wait a bit for new pictures.
However, in the mean time something just as important!
The Story of Stuff
Please watch this video. It talks about how messed up our consumer society is and how it messes up our lives and our planet.
But also on the same website it gives ideas of small changes you can make.
Even though I think we all know that this is what's happening it is interesting to see it in the very clear light it gets presented here...
Please watch, learn and stop being part of most of this!
Thanks
Sunday 8 February 2009
Jay eating in the garden
We have quite a bit of regular garden visitors.
But one day we were surprised as it seemed a new one had found the garden.
This colourful Jay became a regular after that.
Here 2 beautiful shots of the Jay doing what he does best...eating!
Both photos were unbelievably lucky shots out of a whole series. Only afterwards did I see how well they had turned out!
Angry Bull...
Doesn't this bull look very pissed off that his surfboard broke?I took this picture a couple of years ago in Belgium.There were cows like this all over the place and all were sponsored/made by different firms.This is one I loved best... it is so funny!Unless you are the bull in the picture of course. I'd be pissed off if that happened to me! ;-)
I mean... they don't sell quality anymore these days, do they???
Saturday 7 February 2009
Little Blue Tit
Little blue tit, one of our regular garden visitors, not knowing what to make of winter...
And actually colouring pretty well against the snow.
Thursday 5 February 2009
Schevening beach in winter
Another wintry day in the Netherlands.
This is the beach at Scheveningen (http://www2.holland.com/denhaag/gb/index.jsp).
As you can see it was quite cold and what I love (and haven't seen often) is that part of the beach is also white. This in combination with the sand dunes and grass... just a fantastic picture.
What you see is the big pier. It's quite a famous one in Holland.
When I was young there used to be a playing area at the end of the pier, but now it changed quite a bit and it's not as much fun.
We did climb up the pier this time though! (Or at least me and Marija, our goddaughter, did... the others were saying it was too cold and too high...oh well... :) )
Wednesday 28 January 2009
Bird looking intently
This beautiful picture I shot at a farm not too far from where we live.
We had only about 30 minutes left before it closed, it was totally deserted because it was cold but I had our goddaughter with me and she wanted to go in.
Because I had never been there myself (shame on me...living so close to it) and it was free (which always helps) we indeed visited.
This is one of the most brilliant pictures I shot there.
Probably the bird thought: what the hell is she doing?
But of course I don't speak their language so couldn't ask...
What do you think? Any caption ideas? ;)
Monday 26 January 2009
Winter in the Netherlands
A wintery picture taken not too far from where we live.
I always love pictures that have got the sun in them as it makes everything more beautiful.
Just the serenity was breathtaking!
Sunday 25 January 2009
The beach in winter
This photo was taken in December from the beach close to where we live.
I am more of a fan of the beach in winter than in summer.
It is much more calm and thought provoking.
Especially when (like here) the sun shines so beautifully onto the sand and water creating a perfect picture...
Well, I've fallen for this one now too... as for Facebook, Hyves, Youtube and I don't know what.
If I am as good with updating this as I am with all of the others you may be happy if you see a post every 6 months...as this is more than I managed on Youtube.
However, I'm adjusting some stuff in my life and work and so maybe this is a good place to use for that, as my website is hopelessly outdated too...
So, have fun with whatever is going to be here and whenever it is going to come...
If I am as good with updating this as I am with all of the others you may be happy if you see a post every 6 months...as this is more than I managed on Youtube.
However, I'm adjusting some stuff in my life and work and so maybe this is a good place to use for that, as my website is hopelessly outdated too...
So, have fun with whatever is going to be here and whenever it is going to come...
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